By Barbara Rainey
First posted on EverThineHome.com
In the first year of our marriage, Dennis and I made an unintentional and yet very serious mistake, one that inflicted profound disappointment on two very important people. The rolling, repeating waves resulting from our mistake washed over onto us, too, and the drying out took longer than we ever imagined.
Like most newlyweds Dennis and I enjoyed spending all our time together. True to our season of life, we were mostly oblivious to other people outside our little bubble of two. Eleven months into our marriage our best friends from college called, inviting us to visit them in Oregon. From our new home in Colorado, driving to see the beauty of the Northwest sounded like a grand
adventure and an opportunity to celebrate our first anniversary in memorable style.
The problem was those days coincided with my parents 25th anniversary. In Dennis’s family the celebration of anniversaries came and went without a mention, so his vote was to skip going to Houston for that weekend. I had a twinge of doubt, but to my knowledge nothing big was planned, so without calling to check I naively agreed.
On the eve of our departure for Oregon one of my younger brothers mentioned the family was all going to dinner. It sounded casual. But we found out afterward that it was not.
My parents perceived our decision as a very significant rejection.
In spite of my repeated apologies and attempts to make amends, we felt we were sinking in an undertow. My parents did not have a biblical understanding of forgiveness or conflict resolution, so the stew of disappointment and loss cooked too long. Living far away geographically made it difficult to spend more time with them to replace the bad memory with new good ones.
This was the first of many significant disappointments my parents experienced with my brothers and me, and us with them, as we four siblings became adults and began to live our own lives. My parents learned, as Dennis and I have, that the addition of spouses with different values, opinions, and life experiences can sometimes amplify the normal losses and disappointments of children becoming adults.
Over many years of watching families around the world I’ve been comforted knowing none are perfect. Not one family, even one that appears perfect on Christmas cards or in church, is exempt from the sin and its fallout that plague the planet.
Many of the most significant disappointments we experience in life occur in our families.
Here are two of the lessons I’ve learned that have helped me navigate these waters of family disappointment:
The first lesson is to practice 1 Peter 4:8, which tells us to “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” My family of origin avoided conflict at all costs, but we did eventually practice a love and grace like that of which Peter speaks. We forgave or moved on. Dennis and I practiced forgiving without a reciprocal response as Paul admonishes, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Jesus our example loved and forgave over and over as His last minutes of life on earth profoundly illustrate.
Of the two guilty criminals hanging on crosses on either side of Jesus, only one recognized His innocence. Only one recognized He was more than a mere human. And only one asked the crucified God for help.
The sinful guilty thief did not pray the sinner’s prayer first, nor did he confess his sins one by one in prayer before the Savior of the world. Simply and shockingly to our constant searching for formulas and rules, Jesus demonstrated God’s grace when He spoke words never forgotten since: “Today you will be with me in paradise” (Luke 23:43).
Could it be that Peter the apostle was remembering this profound act of grace toward an undeserving sinful man when he wrote so much about love in his first letter? Peter had a memory bank filled with images of grace like this one. How can we be “holy as He is holy” if we don’t forgive and show grace like Jesus did?
Both of our families of origin have dealt us heartache and with it plenty of opportunities to practice grace and love. Disappointment results because our love and grace and prayers have not resolved relational difficulties as we’d hoped. One reason is all relationships are two-way.
Both sides must choose God’s way over self’s way. While we wait for God to work, we give thanks for the healthy relationships we experience with those who share our biblical worldview and values. We long for all, but we wait by faith.
The second lesson is to practice “benevolent detachment.” This is a concept John Eldridge writes about in his book, Take Back Your Life. It simply means caring for the many other people in your life and world but not becoming entrenched in what you can’t control or change.
With our adult children, for instance, we act in loving benevolent ways. We call and visit, send birthday gifts, attend as many important family events as possible, and we alternate holidays to get as much time with them as we can. We choose to listen to any woes they desire to share. We listen and empathize, but we also choose not to become emmeshed, worried, or afraid.
It’s much easier said than done, but we continually give our kids and their kids to God. He can work in ways we can’t. Doing this allows us to remain detached in a healthy way from their circumstances. And if they ask our advice we respond cautiously and conservatively.
Too many parents rescue their adult kids instead of allowing them to fail and learn from their mistakes. (And too many parents raise their children without allowing consequences for their behavior, fearing they’ll damage their little hearts with discipline.) God is not afraid to let us crash and burn and learn. He can heal all wounds. We are to imitate Him, not the world.
It sounds unloving and uncaring to “let go” of other people’s concerns. And I’m not saying you should practice indifference from the cares of your family. There will be times when it’s appropriate to offer help. But God didn’t make us to carry the cares of the world or even the cares of a small part of the world called family. We can’t save anyone nor are we supposed to. It’s God’s job to save and carry the world. Remember, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, NIV) and “Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).
The benefit of benevolent detachment is also two-way. Parents can love and care and be involved as requested and have time to enjoy the later years of their lives as God leads. Adult kids can learn from their mistakes and grow up into role models for their own children to imitate. Much of the reason for our many family disappointments is we expect what is not possible on earth—peace with all and no conflict with any. Though we love our grown children and always will, we are not responsible for them anymore.
Family disappointment will last until Jesus comes back. Until then our call is to practice John’s admonition, “Love covers a multitude of sins” and benevolent detachment which cares as it gives them all to God’s better care.
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