The Phantom Mom

By Barbara Rainey

We women know well that comparison is a constant nemesis. But did you know that our daily measuring of ourselves has created a collage of ideals, an image of perfection, a phantom “me” within that can haunt us?

One day I pulled a cute shirt out of the corner of our closet where my spring/summer things are stashed, tried it on, and sadly found it was too tight. Ugh.

“This should still fit,” I thought as I took it off. “Shoulds” have plagued me for decades.

I should be able to handle this challenge at work, I should be able to come up with a solution for my kids’ constant bickering, I should be able to control my anger and my other emotions. And most important I should pray more often, and should want to read my Bible more. Mark my forehead with a giant scarlet letter F. Thousands of times I’ve scolded myself as a wife, a mother, a Christian because I failed to live up to this phantom image of what a godly Christian wife and mother should be like.

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

Years ago I made a list of the perfect Christian wife and mother. It helped me recognize the phantom expectations of myself that enslaved me and made me feel like a failure:

· She is always loving, patient, and understanding.

· She is well-organized, maintaining a perfect balance between discipline and flexibility.

· Her house is neat and well-decorated. She is never embarrassed if friends drop by unexpectedly.

· Her children obey her every command.

· She never gets angry with her children, even if they forget to do their chores.

· She is energetic and never gets tired, even after getting up five times during the night to care for her children ... with a smile on her face.

· She manages her workload with her home tasks well and is always in the school pickup line at 3 p.m. waiting on her well-dressed, happy children.

· She reaches out to her neighbors and takes meals to the sick and needy.

· She looks fresh and attractive at all times.

· Her hair does what she wants it to do.

· Her fingernails are never broken but filed smoothly and painted with polish.

· She plans healthy, balanced meals for her family. She would never dream of feeding her family prepared foods like canned ravioli, frozen pizza, or hot dogs.

· She doesn’t get sick, lonely, or discouraged.

· She is always ready for and even initiates sex with her husband.

· She prays without ceasing. She chooses to be grateful for difficulties like a husband who is late for dinner or the neighbor’s dog chewing up her son’s new tennis shoes.

With a phantom like that, it’s no wonder so many of us women feel like failures as wives and mothers. Even though we know we can never live up to this perfect image, we still tear ourselves down when we fail to be perfect as we imagine it to be.

We believe deep down that we can become more perfect in our own power. This is a self-view inherited from our ancestors, Adam and Eve.

What impossible standards would be on your own list? What is your internal voice speaking to you about what you should or should not do? Make your own list because seeing those thoughts and shoulds in black and white will make it easier to recognize them when they whisper “failure” to you.

Also ask yourself these questions:

· When you compare your body to another woman, what do you expect from yourself?

· Have you ever compared your marriage to someone else’s? Write what you are expecting from your husband and yourself.

· What pressures do you feel with your child or children? Is it outside activities like sports or music lessons or grades? Identify what shoulds whisper negative words to you.

· In this digital world, parents must make hard decisions about screen time and smartphones and internet access. What pressures do you feel here?

· If your kids are grown, have you compared their achievements and “success” to others of their age?

Phantoms are crushing. My repeated failures to live up to my phantom expectations of myself left me exhausted, without confidence, defeated.

Here’s the good/bad news. Recognizing the impossibility of reaching any of your standards is the bad news; it’s hard to accept being limited and incapable. We resist giving up all our shoulds.

Though I desire to be competent and strong and capable, seeing my inability is very good news for it forces me to recognize the truth of Jesus’s words, “apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

Jesus Himself, God incarnate, depended completely on His Father. He said, “I can do nothing on my own” (John 5:30). He chose to be dependent. I must also choose to be dependent. And knowing that truth about myself, as hard as it was to learn, has set me free to be who He made me to be and to experience His ability in my lack.

Begin to kill your phantom by thanking God that you will never measure up on your own and it is good because it can send you to Jesus.

Thank Him that He is able.

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