By Dennis Rainey
Where is the very best place for your children to truly hear a balanced, winsome, and godly perspective of sex? It had better be at your home!
Why would we want them to learn about this sacred aspect of marital love from anyone else?
Why would we entrust this responsibility to those we don’t know and whose values are likely not the same as ours?
Talking about sex is one of the most powerful ways you have of stepping into the lives of your children and building a relationship with them and their character at the same time.
It also can be the most difficult.
Talking about reproduction and the most intimate nature of what it means to be a man and a woman is not like discussing tomorrow’s math test or last night’s ballgame. When you dare to broach the subject with your child, you communicate, “You are important enough to me that I will risk talking about this uncomfortable topic.”
Ideally, you’ve had numerous conversations about sex as they were growing up. It may have been something as simple as explaining the names the body parts and talking about the differences between men and women. But because you’ve had these conversations, your children hopefully feel it’s safe to talk about other intimate issues with you. It has to be a relief to share this part of their lives with someone they can trust, their parents.
Press through your fears
One survey reported that when children were asked how they learned about sex, one percent said from their church, three percent from their father, seven percent from school, 12 percent from mom, 28 percent from the media, and 49 percent from peers.
Look at those statistics again … over 75 percent learned about sex from someone other than their family!
What about you? Where did you first learn about the “birds and the bees?” I will never forget walking on a snow-packed road when I was in junior high and my buddy Jimmy Fletcher spilled the beans. That was over 60 years ago and I can show you the exact spot.
The good thing is that I was that old before I learned anything. The bad news is my parents never acknowledged that dimension of life even existed.
Even if your children do not want to talk to you about sex, press through your fears, inhibitions, memories, and embarrassment. A few minutes of blushing, stammering, and clammy hands will deepen your relationship and could literally save their lives.
If you have been faithful in appropriately teaching them from an early age about sex, you will be tempted to relax when they get older. But kids need moms and dads who stay wisely engaged in their lives all the way through their teen years and beyond by breaking the silence and discussing matters of human sexuality and sexual response.
And if they have already begun to experience puberty, remember that it is never too late to initiate conversations. They may not act like it, and they won’t say so, but they are feeling insecure and maybe even frightened by the transformation in their bodies.
Do you recall how you felt as a teenager? I was clueless.
Step into their lives
Today more than any other time in our nation’s history, teens need to have Mom and Dad come beside them and say, “There are some things I wish I had told you earlier, but I want to tell you now. I want to be a part of your life as you go through what can be some very confusing years. I want to be there for you. I don’t want to leave you with your peers or by yourself to deal with this issue.”
One mistake parents often make in this area is feeling like they can only talk about sex at prescheduled appointments with their children. But it’s better to view sex education as another one of those ongoing training opportunities for shaping their attitude toward life. If you’ll watch for them, you’ll find many opportunities for instructing, asking questions, and correcting. And then it won’t feel quite so awkward.
I remember an incident where I took a risk to show my daughter my concern and to pass on a lesson about how males should treat females. It was Rebecca’s first year in junior high. She came home from school one day really discouraged because a boy was making comments about her figure.
I said, “Really? What’s his name?” Rebecca gave me the name—we’ll call him Tim. “What’s Tim’s phone number?” I asked.
“I don’t have it but I can get it,” she said. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to call him.”
She was amazed. “You’re going to call Tim?”
“Yeah. I’m just going to call him and have a little man-to-man chat.”
Rebecca pondered that for a few moments and then her face beamed. I think she actually liked the idea that her dad would seek to protect her. And she knew I wasn’t going to embarrass her by verbally berating the boy. I assured her that I would be kind, but also let him know that it’s inappropriate to talk to a young lady that way.
When I called, Tim’s grandfather answered the phone and asked, “Why do you want to talk to Tim?”
“Well, I’ve got a matter of concern for him,” I said. “He is making some comments about my daughter.”
“Well, let me go get him.” But first Tim’s dad came to the phone and asked, “Why do you want to talk to my son?”
“I’m not going to be mean to your son,” I replied, “but he is making comments about my daughter’s figure. I just want him to know this is not the way he should be treating a young lady.”
Apparently that met with the father’s approval. “Hang on a second. Here, Tim, talk to this guy.”
Tim got on the phone and I said, “Young man, I’m Rebecca’s dad, and I want you to know I don’t appreciate your comments about her body. I don’t think this is how you should be treating a young lady, and I would like for you to respect her dignity as a woman. I would like for you to stop teasing her about her body.”
Rebecca came to me later and said, “Daddy, thank you for making that phone call.”
Now, that call didn’t take much time. But it made a statement to Rebecca about her dignity as a young woman. That call didn’t embarrass her or ruin her reputation among her peers. And down the road, when she was older and I needed to talk to her about limits in her own life, I had some relational capital to draw upon. She listened to my admonitions because she knew she was loved by a daddy who cared enough to protect her.
Sex education is about more than sex
When teaching your children—especially your teenagers—about sex, help them to understand that sex education involves more than an explanation of human reproduction. Of course, they need to know the biological basics. If you’ve never had a good, explicit discussion of human reproduction with your children, it needs to be done before your child embarks into adolescences.
But even if you’ve done a great job of instructing them about the biological facts of sex, you need to stay closely connected and finish the process with moral training. Of all the discussions we had in our family about sex, probably 95 percent of them concerned character issues. We had discussions about God’s purposes for sex … the importance of sex and marriage … why you should wait for marriage before you have sex … how to avoid situations in which you are tempted … how different types of media shape our thoughts in this area … the types of movies to see and avoid and why … how to respond when someone challenges your convictions … and many other topics.
We found that the issues surrounding human sexuality, such as self-control and obedience to God, are the foundational character qualities all parents want to build into their teenager.
Ultimately sex education is character education and training. That’s why the best person to educate and train your children is you!
Adapted from Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years. Copyright by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.
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