By Dennis Rainey
When we married back in 1972, Barbara and I thought we knew what love was. But we found that marriage enrolled us in the undergraduate school of love. Then children came and we got our master’s degree … and now our adult children are being used by God as we work our way to a doctorate! But we have not graduated from this school … new courses of study abound!
In my last blog post I began my list of tips for communicating love to your adult kids. This week I’m finishing the list:
5. Loving liberally embraces forgiveness. We’ve found that for any family relationship to last, we need to:
· Understand what forgiveness is (giving up the right to punish another person).
· Ask for forgiveness when we’ve offended another person.
· Grant forgiveness when forgiveness no matter what they’ve done.
It’s easy to start well in a new relationship with a new son-in-law or daughter-in-law, but it’s far more difficult to finish well. Don’t give in to disappointment or your own failures along the way.
There are two verses which should be the life source for establishing and maintaining a relationship with your kids and their spouses:
1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” I really like this passage. Our children need this kind of love from us.
And, like them, we need this love and forgiveness from them.
Ephesians 4:32 is a kissing cousin of 1 Peter 4:8. It says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Relationships with adult children are messy. Without forgiveness those relationships die.
By the way, if you want to find the place in the Bible to study for your doctorate in loving and forgiving your adult child and their spouse, I suggest studying, memorizing, and applying 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
6. Take advantage of FamilyLife events to build your relationships. Barbara and I are no longer in charge of FamilyLife, but they have two major events every year that are among the best ways we’ve found to connect with our kids. So here’s the assignment: Initiate and pursue a relationship with your adult children by going with them to a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway or to a Love Like You Mean It cruise.
The cruise, which takes place each year during Valentine’s week, is a floating marriage and family equipping center with over 80 hours of great biblical content. We’ve found that we really can connect with our children when we can string seven days in a row when they aren’t distracted by their own kids.
Or attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway together with your adult kids. One suggestion: When romance and sex are discussed on Saturday afternoon, please give them space and don’t sit together! Consider spending an extra day debriefing with what you learned with your kids after the conference is over.
And if you can afford it, consider paying their way to be able to attend events like this. You won’t regret it. And if you go, it’ll be good for you too!
7. Engage your adult children by knowing who their best friends are. Learn their names and why they are best friends with your adult children and their spouses.
8. Speak well of your adult children to their face and to others behind their backs. I think one of the things our children are experiencing (and that we’ve forgotten) is the learning curve of being married. Everyone seems to start out secure and confident, but then they start having children. Insecurity in the new roles of mom and dad can rock their world.
Listen carefully: Your children never outgrow their need of your approval … of your affirming words … of your cheerleading as they tackle the challenges of doing marriage and raising a bunch of children in a culture that punishes those who have biblical convictions. Brag often and out loud about how you see a child shouldering the challenges of life, work, and raising children, and most importantly how they are pursuing God.
Resign as coach—they’ll ask when they need your advice—and sign up to be their cheerleader. Tell them frequently how proud you are of them, and their spouses.
9. Love finds a way to pray for your children and grandchildren. Your children need your prayers. They need to know that you pray for them.
Find a way to pray for them and your grandchildren daily, weekly, or even monthly. I was always encouraged when my mom told me she prayed for me. No child ever outgrows the need for a parent’s prayers.
Some bonus tips from our kids and their spouses:
· Surprise your adult kids by offering to babysit their kids for a getaway … without being asked! We were babysitters for seven grandsons so our daughter and hubby could attend the Love Like You Mean it cruise. Talk about an education…we got one! And the parents had a new honeymoon!!
· Be intentional and engaged with “grafted in” children (your sons-in-law and daughters-in-law). Not just in the beginning but off and on as your lives change and grow.
· Know what is going on below the surface. Emotionally, vocationally … and, most important, spiritually.
Don’t give up
I am reminded of the process of life and what the British author Dr. John Stott wrote:
Life is a pilgrimage of learning,
A voyage of discovery,
In which our mistaken views are corrected,
Our distorted notions adjusted,
Our shallow opinions deepened,
And some of our vast ignorance’s diminished.
Being the parents of adult children means we embrace the past, no matter how many mistakes we’ve made, and we keep following Christ demonstrating maturity, grace and love.
And don’t give up. As one of my favorite verses says, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith” (Galatians 6:9-10).
